With Bob Wickman sidelined for a while with the elbow ailment, Wickman’s Warriors is forced to move in new directions until Bobby’s glorious return to the mound. With no further ado, we’re proud to introduce our first brand new feature:
Wick’s Grooming and Hygiene Tips
Lesson
#1- FLOSSING
Eating corn on the cob before a game is never a good
idea, but even a big corn-fed
Be
sure to tune in next time
kiddies, for Lesson #2:
HAIR STYLING FOR THIRTY-SOMETHINGS!
No
Respect?
A recent Indians’ magazine that rated the players through the first half of the season gave our closer Bob Wickman an A- in overall performance. This was the highest grade given to any of the team’s pitchers, whether they are starters or relievers. We here at Wickman’s Warriors couldn’t agree more, however the article went on to state that he “isn’t pretty, doesn’t get any respect from the fans. He just saves games.” Oh, really?
Although they got us on the “pretty” part, we must strongly disagree with the statement that Bobby isn’t a fan favorite. The writer of that article wasn’t looking in the right places. He needs only to look to the people that signed him, his teammates and all of us here at Local 26 for beaucoup respect.
After
spending 17 grueling days of rehab on the disabled list, the Indians’
illustrious closer Bob Wickman was cleared for duty on August 10th.
After being allowed to pick up his first win of the season against the Texas
Rangers in a mind-altering, nervous wreck of a ninth inning on Saturday, Wick
was re-examined by Wickman’s Warriors eminent physician Dr. Josef Von Schmuck
on Thursday.
“Mr.
Wick didn’t seem any crazier than usual after his first stint on the DL”,
said Von Shmuck, “so I let him play. Had I actually put the stethoscope in my
ears that day, I may have discovered the damage to the elbow ligaments. That big
meaty ham hock of a right arm sure looked healthy to me.”
Bobby pitched a scoreless ninth inning in a 3-3 tie on the 10th
after inducing A- Rod to line out deep to right on a 3-2 count with runners at
the corners and 2 outs. An outstanding catch by Karim Garcia against the right
field wall preserved the win for the Wickster. Von Schmuck denied that the
health of the fans was a concern in shutting Wickman down, although many of the
37,700 spectators at the game were visibly shaken as they left the park.
“Anyone
that thinks baseball is a dull sport has never seen Bobzilla in action. Keeping
the blood flowing is good for you, so long as it doesn’t squirt out of your
ears."
After
pitching in pain all season long and giving his all to the 2002 campaign,
Wickman will have season ending re-constructive surgery on his right elbow as
soon as possible. It is unknown if Dr. Von Schmuck will perform the delicate
operation, but he is making preparations nonetheless.
Dr.
Von Schmuck completed 3 years of extensive medical training at the
University of Wisconsin-Whitewater before being kicked out for bizarre cloning
experiments (see Wick Jr. page). He also holds an advanced degree from the Acme
Meatpacking Plant of
PRESS CONFERENCE
By the first week of November 2001, I was pretty sure Bob Wickman would re-sign with the Tribe, but I was still a little nervous. You know how these last minute problems pop up in contract negotiations. But from what the Indians were putting out and what the local rags were reporting, he was going to stay.
I began scheming about how I could crash his press conference during the World Series, after all, as president of the Wickman’s Warriors Empire I felt I should be in attendance. Arizona knocked of New York in glorious fashion on Sunday night, and I figured Wick’s press conference announcing his signing would probably be on Tuesday, maybe Wednesday. Mistake number one.
My brother grew up with a part time reporter for a local paper, so I thought I might call him on Monday and ask if he could get me in. Or maybe I’d ask Bob Dibiasio if I could go in and just hang in the back of the room to congratulate Wick after the thing was over.
So I’m driving home from work about 1:30 Monday and I hear the press conference is set for around 2PM. Rats.
I’ve got on my usual grubby jeans and tee shirt so I figured I’d bop home and change and give it a try anyway. I had just gotten my jar-head haircut on Friday and had shaved that morning, so I decided to go with the conservative look. Another blunder.
I threw on a Warriors shirt for my credentials and put on an old beige windbreaker that my Dad left me in his will, and off I went. I even grabbed a notepad and pencil on my way out; all I needed was one of those fedoras from the 40’s with a "PRESS’ card stuck in the brim to complete the ensemble. As it turns out I would have had better luck going with my Bob Wickman getup from Halloween the week before.
I heard the beginning of the conference on the car radio (Bobby saying how much he liked Cleveland even though we treated him like a bald headed stepchild all year) before I got to Jacob’s Field. After illegally parking at the Peterson Nut Company and asking Jesus not to let them tow my car, I walked past the players’ entrance and all the way around to the main lobby. I walk up to the curly-haired sixteen-year-old behind the desk, look him straight in the wire frames and say "Yes, hi- I’m Joseph Ladd president of Wickman’s Warriors fan club and I’m here for the press conference".
After the vacant stare and three or four blinks, he begins to check his computer screen and riffle through some papers on a clipboard. " I don’t see that name here. I know most of the press people use the players’ entrance." Duuup!
" Didn’t Dick Moss call and leave my name with you?"
The
mention of Wick’s agent causes this kid to call for backup, and a few minutes
later an older tall guy, also with glasses, emerges from the side office. This
guy eyeballs me like I just stepped out of a spaceship and says, "We can’t
just let fans in here, sir. You must have a proper press pass or special
authorization". Needless to say my tee shirt didn’t impress him either.
So just as the kid behind the desk is about to press the little red button under the table that summons the Jacob’s Field anti-terrorist SWAT team, out walks a couple of newspaper columnists and I realized the news conference is over and I walk out with them. Strike three.
There’s a limo and a couple taxis parked out front, so I think maybe I’ll catch the Wickster on his way out and congratulate him there. So after freezing my butt off for twenty minutes or so I see Bud Shaw leaving and ask him if Wickman’s still in there or what. "Naw, he’s gone already.’ Strike four.
I hope Dude doesn’t think he’s gonna be sneaking out the secret exit like Elvis now that he’s a superstar closer and bypassing all his loyal supporters like peasants. I guess I’ll have to wait till next year to straighten him out.
I just love it when a plan comes together.
J L
WICKMAN’S
WARRIORS
PROUDLY INTRODUCES A NEW ONCE- IN-A- LIFETIME SWEEPSTAKES!
ALL NEW MEMBERS JOINING THE CLUB DURING
THE MONTH OF MAY ARE AUTOMATICALLY ENTERED!
* A Wickman’s Warriors Club autographed slightly
used 1975 Ford “Badger Masher” 440 pickup!!!
This handsome specimen generously donated to
the club by Philbert K. Ledbeddor of
*
A
slightly used Bob Wickman autographed plug of Copenhagen
chew!
In the tradition set forth by the Luis Gonzalez $10,000 World Series bubble gum sale, Wickman’s Warriors proudly presents the first ever-genuine tobacco snot-ball giveaway!
This little jewel was from Bob’s shortest outing of the season on April
7th, in which our boy used only 3 pitches to dispose of the Tigers
for his third save of the year. Coming in with the bases already loaded saved
the Wickster a lot of chompin’ time, making this sample easily retrieved after
being left as a parting gift for the hapless Kitties on the mound at
* Bob
Wickman head shot banner!
Got that dull spot in your
family room where nothing seems to fit? This outstanding 5’x 18’ banner
(actual hat size) makes for a great conversation piece. Will work equally as
well in any recreation room, living room, garage, or barn.
Actually, I’d really like to have one of these to put on the side of the Sports Inn on State Road, your official WW party headquarters. Work on that, will you Bob?
* If you think any of the above prizes are real, there’s really something wrong with you.
